penguinpride

OMG problem! My two favorite girls in the world, stephanie and krista, want my full attention. And both get hurt when I’m not 100% focused on them.

Krista – she’s young and crazy. She talks a lot, but not to the point of being annoying. I love her. She’s my girlfriend. But we can’t really have much of a relationship, due to the fact that I don’t yet have a car or license and therefore can’t take her anywhere. Today we took advantage of the fact that her parents are away for the week on a cruise somewhere far away to hang out at her house. Krista’s also awesome because no matter if all my friends seem to hate me at the moment, she’s still there, and we can still have a good time. Also I like the fact that she talks so much, because I don’t to think particularly hard or talk particularly a lot. Krista and I had a great time, by the way, today. However, apparently yesterday, she “got emotional” (cried?) after what was supposed to be a fun afternoon but turned into a pretty shitty day.

Stephanie – she’s my age, and gay, and I think she understands me better than krista does. We’re best friends, despite the fact that it seems we argue a lot. Mostly about my seeming lack of conversational skills. Seriously though, I think that if I had a TV I would have so much more to talk to her about. She watches a lot of TV… I for one hope we can get along better. I wish she weren’t so paranoid. She seems to think that whenever I do anything without her, it’s because I hate her. I don’t. I really like her. also, I feel a deeper emotional connection to stephanie than to krista, but maybe that’s because we’re together more often. What I mean by that is: my mood seems to be dictated by hers. If we’re getting along really well, I feel great about myself. Wednesday night I spent a while at her house. We were doing serious stuff, namely college applications, but we were getting along. And I left in such a good mood that it actually spilled over to my normally depressing mom. She actually asked me why I was such in a good mood.

But when stephanie’s mad at me (whether by something I did or by figments of her imagination) I spiral downwards into depression. Yesterday, for example, stephanie, alexis and their friends were making sandwiches for the poor people, and stephanie texted me in 2nd period asking me to go. I wanted to spend time with her, naturally, so I said I would go. But then krista texted me about how she was staying after, and was like “so you’re staying after with me, right?” what was I supposed to say to that? “no, I’m hanging out with stephanie” would probably not be the best idea. Krista thinks stephanie likes me, and whenever she says this her voice is filled with disdain. Anyway, krista told me she would only be staying after for 10 minutes, after which she would be picked up and taken home. So I figured I would stay with krista for those 10 minutes, then go make PB&J with stephanie.

Krista, apparently, had other ideas. She decided to visit the dissection club and eat their food, as they were apparently having a party. I asked her if she was going to miss her ride, but she said it was ok, she would just walk to her grandparents’ house. I went over to the cafeteria but they were out of gloves, so I couldn’t help make PB&J. so I went back to krista, and naturally she wanted me to walk with her, and naturally I walked with her. but her grandparents weren’t home, so we walked back to the school. I guessed that stephanie would be mad at me. She was. And naturally my mood dropped like a rock. It didn’t help when I sensed this and tried to figure things out. I put my arm around her and asked what the problem was. I just wanted her to say it, instead she totally blew me off. She even brushed my arm off. The feeling I fear the most is rejection, and if that’s not rejection, I don’t fucking know what is. 

We usually get better if I call her that night, and I don’t think it’s so much anything I say as much as the fact that I took the time to call her. (I certainly don’t mind, but I think she would prefer if I had more to talk about. Frankly, I do too, but that’s another issue.) So I got off work at 9:30, drive home, and walk through my front door, fully intending to go upstairs and call stephanie. Unfortunately, my mom, in her usual shit mood, seizes my phone for the night, because I got to school ten minutes late this morning. Whatever…

But … I had made a promise to krista earlier that day. While I was at work, she texted me, and seeing as how I was in the drive thru, I was able to read them. That was when she told me that she had something serious to talk to me about, and when I asked her if she wanted to talk over the phone, she said she didn’t want to get “all emotional again.” But when I pressed her, she just said that she overreacted and that nothing was the matter. I hate when people do that! So I promised I would call her once I got off. She said that it was okay, but that there was nothing wrong. When I got home, I most certainly did call her. my mom was in my face the whole time. But what I suggested to krista, and would have suggested to stephanie as well had I had the chance to make a second call, was that when we do activities in the future, the two girls shouldn’t be together. I think we should hang out separately. Because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s hurting my friends, and I did a lot of that yesterday. I somehow managed to make both girls mad in the space of an hour and a half.

But yeah. My mom was bitching about how I was irresponsible and untrustworthy the whole time I was talking to krista, and after I gave her the phone I told her that I had made the promise before I knew I was going to lose the phone. If I promise somebody I’m going to call them, I am going to do it! One night I accidentally forgot to call stephanie back, due to the fact that I fell asleep while I was waiting for her show to end. My mom busted in at like 1:30 in the morning to ask me why my light was still on, and my homework as all over the place, and why wasn’t I sleeping you irresponsible bad child? I WAS sleeping, and while I was cleaning up, I remembered my promise, and how she probably thought I didn’t like her anymore because I had forgotten to call. I felt like shit that night. But we made up pretty easily, the next night we talked for four hours. That’s longer than I usually talk to cochran. I for one enjoyed it. I wish, though, that I could think of things to say. Stephanie said that my problem wasn’t that I didn’t have things to talk about, or that I just sucked at conversation, but it was because I didn’t care about the “little things.” After we were finally finished, I resolved to look for these so-called “little things” throughout the next day.

The next day, I had an ortho appointment. I noticed a number of little things, such as the obviously gay nurse, who looked far too good in fuchsia, whose name was Jasper. I noticed how after the guy next to me had left, all the nurses were talking for the next ten minutes about how nice he was. He hadn’t said a word, you stupid nurses. You just like him because he’s buff and was wearing a muscle tee. I also noticed (unfortunately) how my dentist had this habit of sticking her thumb into my mouth and then inserting the same spit-coated thumb into my eye. I thought after the first time, she would notice, but apparently she didn’t because she did it about ten more times.

I also noticed that I was uptight in the car with stephanie and ade, like I was the third guy, but also that the minute I opened up with these “little things,” I felt the way I should have been feeling the whole time: their best friend, because that’s what we are: best friends. I felt tied in first place, rather than a solid third place. It felt great. Perhaps I should look for more little things…

Well I just blew two hours typing this up. It’s so much easier doing this, because I can actually get all my thoughts organized, unlike when I’m just talking. I should have been doing my government homework, but who cares. I never do that anyway. Plus, I’m hoping that the right people read this and get the right idea ;)

Yay! Writing this has actually put me in a better mood already.

PS. A few random thoughts added after I finished the whole thing and I didn’t feel like putting in their “proper” place:

- If Stephanie liked guys, I would go out with her.
- I don’t love Krista because of convenience or anything stupid like that, I truly do love her.
- However Stephanie was the one who took the time to try to get to know me. Krista, I had seen last year numerous times but her liking of me faded in and out with the length of my hair. Seriously.
- And suddenly krista popped out of the woodwork … AFTER stephanie asked me to be her homecoming date
- And suddenly stephanie seems to like me … AFTER I got in a relationship with Krista
- women…..

I guess the question of the day (specifically the question of the day which should preferably not be brought to krista’s attention) is this: did I make the right decision to ask Krista out? Should I have waited longer? Krista herself thought, early on, that our relationship was “rushed.” I thought she meant that we were doing too much, too fast, at first, but now I get the impression that what she actually meant was that we didn’t have much previous time together outside of school. So did I make the right decision? I still think I did, although perhaps I should have waited. I honestly don’t know though. Wow I just contradicted myself.

Well, I’ll wait until after I actually spend more time with krista, whether this relationship is meant to work or what. I hope it does. I for one am not a huge fan of short relationships, and neither is krista. But if it’s not meant to be it’s not, and if it is it is.

That’s where I’m going to leave it for tonight.

Why vote for Hillary Clinton? Because Hillary Clinton will end the War in Iraq.Within her first 60 days in office, Hillary will begin a phased withdrawal, abiding by a clear plan, something that Bush, Cheney, and Rove seem to know absolutely nothing about. Neither, apparently, does Barack Obama, whose plan to withdraw one or two brigades per month, with all troops out by the end of 2009, makes no sense at all, seeing as how Obama only has 12 months to work with, for a maximum of 24 brigades withdrawn. Currently there are about 55 brigades in Iraq, with no sign of any more leaving before the 2008 election. Clearly Obama has a few little details to iron out in his plan, namely 31 brigades of American soldiers.

Sources

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070907/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq/

http://www.barackobama.com/issues/iraq/

http://www.hillaryclinton.com/issues/iraq/