penguinpride

The past week has honestly just sucked for me. Last Monday my Mother called me crying that everything was just terrible. My Grandfather was not doing so good, he has fallen, and everyone was worrying about him. I told her he had to go to the hospital, and then be put in a nursing home, because the stress of taking care of him was really being to affect my Grandmother’s health. The only problem was that I’ve been telling my mother that for a month. She always agrees with me, but backs out when it actually comes time to do it.

My sister called me later that day. I began to tell her what was going on. She broke down crying to me. (I haven’t seen or heard my sister cry in 7 years.) I just wanted to tell her that she had to make sure my Grandfather got taken to the hospital.

The next day I texted my Mom and said, “Happy Birthday.”  I got the response of, “Chet’s on the way to the ER.” At this point I’m now panicked, even though I’m the one that told them to take him there. I can’t even talk to my Mom about what’s going on because I’m in a class. So I get out of class and call her. All she can say is that they’re at the hospital and they’re waiting. She then asks me to call my cousin, and let her know what’s going on. I then got continuous calls from her looking for updates.

The first hint I got that this wasn’t good was talking to my brother. I’ve never known him to show emotion. When I called I could tell he was upset. That scared me more than you know.

Wednesday wasn’t any better. Actually it was worse. My Mom called around noon to tell me that my Grandfather had a stroke. Then they did a CT and found he had a brain bleed.  I was sad at this point, but had just started to accept it when my mom called back to tell me that there was nothing they could do. So now it was just a matter of time.

On Thursday he was moved into Hospice Care. I was upset. I didn’t go to classes, I barely moved. I wasn’t sure what to do. I was just sad and scared. I laid around and cried. That night my mom told me I was coming home on either Friday or Saturday, because it wouldn’t be long.

Friday was my Birthday! At 6:30 AM I got a call from my mom. My Grandfather had passed away. Well I don’t really need to tell anyone, it wasn’t a good birthday. My roommate was wonderful though. She woke up and came over to my bed and held me, got me tissues, and just sat with me while I cried. I’ve got to also give credit to my amazing boyfriend, Aaron. He took me to the mall and got my mind off of everything for awhile. I packed up and went home that night. Not much of a birthday for me.

Well when I got to my Grandmother’s house that night, my mom, 2 aunts, uncle and gram were there. There was one other person there. That was my “Uncle Charlie.” Also known as Toot ( pronounced like foot with a T). He is my Uncle John’s best friend, and has been like another uncle for my entire life.

On Saturday there was a lot of running around that had to be done. Shopping, going to the funeral home, back to my gram’s, taking her to get her hair done, more shopping, dinner at my gram’s. I spent most of this weekend at my gram’s. There was one point that night where sitting in the living room were me and 3 other people. People who other than my Grandmother I feel had the strongest connection to my Grandfather. We all sat there and cried. No one tried to comfort anyone else. It was hard, and shocking for me. I was watching people I have never seen cry ever, blubber like babies.

Sunday was also very busy, and very tear filled. It was the day of the viewing. I was so touched by how many people came. There was so much love in that funeral home. It was amazing.

Monday was the funeral. It was by far the hardest day of my life thus far. I stood and watched my Grandmother cover up his body. I held my Mom while she cried. I sat in crying silence in the car with my siblings. I cried though the entire mass, especially my Uncle’s beautiful eulogy, and the closing song of Danny Boy. I cried as I stood in my cousin’s arms, watching the casket being lowered into the ground. I cried while my sister gave the most simple, and lovely toast at lunch. Last of all I cried back at my gram’s when we watched my Grandparents’ 50th Wedding anniversary video.

I’ve got to say thank you to everyone who was at the wake and funeral, who extended condolences in whatever way, who cooked or bought food. Thank you to everyone that was there for me and my family during this very hard time.

I’ve got to give a special thanks to Toot. He basically moved into my Gram’s on Friday Afternoon and didn’t leave until today. He took care of everything. Every time someone moved he jumped in and said, “What do you need? I’ll get it.”  I honestly cannot express how grateful I am for everything Toot did for our family. I don’t know if some of us would have gotten through it without him.

Ok, so if I don’t vent there is a very good chance I will die of a massive heart attack.

Taking summer classes was definitely not my smartest move. Yeah it’ll put me ahead somewhat, but it’s also slowly killing me. Both my classes are online, and if you don’t know it, well technology hates me. I still am yet to successfully complete something for my Geography class without my computer deciding to attack in some way shape or form. Then I usually break down. Which is never fun.

So I have to take my classes online because I would have no time to take a real class. I’m working two jobs this summer, on top of babysitting whenever I’m needed. It’s great to have the money, but I’m exhausted all the time! I do love my jobs. The gym is amazing, my kiddies are amazing, and some of the people I work with are amazing. There are days when I can only here, “Miss Katie I have a Hannah Montana CD” so many times. Then there are days where someone gets a skill they’ve been working on forever, and I’m just so proud of them. Or they walk in and give me a big hug and say “I love Gymnastics.” That is what makes it worth it. So work I can deal with.

My family is great, (On occasion) but I need to get away from them. My brothers are both annoying, my sister is a bitch. My dad and I have so very little in common that sitting with us is uncomfortable. My mom is either really great, or the biggest pain in my ass. But yes of course I love them. (I’ve got other family issues adding to my stress but I don’t even think I could get into those right now.)

My friends consist of a very small group, at least the ones I really care about. I have Steph, who I could hang with forever and never run out of things to talk about with. I love that girl. She’s my nice sister. Sara is my external conscience. I’d get into much more trouble if it weren’t for her. They are both wonderful. And then there’s Megs. Who it’s like I never know what i’m gonna get when I’m with her. The other night we were riding around and she was bitching to me about all the problems of her life. I sat and listened to them. Told her what I thought she should do, and then asked if she had any pills for the headache i had. Well when she told the story to the rest of our friends it went something like ( So i had a meltdown to Kait and she looked at me and said “I have a headache.”) That wasn’t it at all. She made me look like a total bitch and It just got me so mad.

But none of this is what finally pushed me over the edge.
I saw that my ex was online so I thought I’d say hi. There was a point where he and I were best friends, and I thought ‘ya know we’ve been broken up for over a year, we can try to be friends.’ I was so wrong. I asked if we could try to be friends. His response, “you could try.” Little hurt by that but o well. I go, ” you can’t try.” Tom: It doesn’t matter to me. Me: ok. He then proceeded to tell me that I treated him so badly and he saw no reason to be friends with me. So that hurt, then he told me I was paranoid. That was it. I’m done! Exes are stupid, and not worth the effort.

I may still explode but at least I got all of that out there!

August 5th is the only thing keeping me sane. I get to see Aaron, and we’re going to Pittsburgh together! I’m sooo excited!!!

I had a very interesting conversation last night with my friend Sara.  She already knows most everything that’s happened in my life and vice-versa. But last night, I found something out about Sara that I never knew.

Sara has spent most of her life envying me.

1.       I find this totally absurd because I never thought I had much to be envious of.

2.       I find this ironic because I’ve spent most of my life being envious of Sara.

Sara is the most level headed person I know. She has been since age 9. I envy her for that. She thinks before she acts. She weighs all options. She makes pro and con lists. I very rarely do this. I am more spontaneous than I wish I were.

Sara, however, envies my spontaneity. She lives her life scared. She spends so much time thinking that she ends up not making a decision and then misses out on something. I, on the other hand, go with my gut, and rarely consider the fallout.

We’ve been a pretty perfect pair for each other growing up. I push her to do the things she’s too afraid to. She acts as my external conscience. She makes me think before I jump into something. Although lately I’ve been becoming more and more like Sara. I get afraid, and over analyze. Sara is trying to stop me from becoming her. To quote her “Well then i dont think you need to worry about everything… thats my job. Im the worrier, who worries about every detail. Be carefree… it works for ya.”

Thank God for that girl, or I’d be even crazier than I am now!

Christmas has always been one of, if not my most favorite time of the year. There’s snow, lights, kindness, happy music, family, good food, presents. It’s very rare that I can find a bad part of Christmas. That is, until this year. I can guarantee that from now on I will have an extremely negative memory attached to Christmas, and that is a car accident.

Yesterday 3 guys from my High School were in a car accident. One is in the hospital. Another is perfectly fine. The third died.

This is the first time I’ve lost someone who is not only close to me, but is younger than me. In my mind I just keep thinking, “He’s just a baby.” I feel terrible for his family and friends, but I feel absolutely awful for the boy who was driving that car. He will have to live with the fact that he is responsible for his friend’s death.

I hate to cry, but it’s all I’ve been able to do since I found out.