penguinpride

Today I was supposed to hang out with Schweffy. Everything totally went wrong. The entire point was to bond more with her (an idea everyone but her seems to understand perfectly). Then she insists that her sister come along too. Which of course, kills any chance of bonding we might have had. We were talking on the phone that morning and her sister, Kim, didn’t even know about our plans. I asked Stephanie not to tell her. So I get to their house and the first thing she does is make fun of my clothes (I was even wearing the shirt I bought off the online discount tee store!). Then her sister asked me if she could come. So obviously Stephanie not only told her (to make me look like a dick), she also told her to ask me (to make me look like even more of a dick).

I don’t know what the hell was wrong with her… but she was DEFINITELY in a bad mood for some reason. I picked up an envelope just to look at the logo more closely and she decided it called for an interrogation on what I was doing and why. Jeez, it’s not a big deal, I’m looking at an envelope!! Does it really make a difference WHY? I’m not trying to steal it or anything.

I thought Stephanie and I could remain good friends through college. But now I see I’m not liked. It’s kind of weird, I mean, I’m under the impression we’re friends but she treats me like shit. A month ago, I was inviting her to work out with me, and do stuff, and talk to her. But she ignored my text messages. I freaked out, naturally, but she told me to stop overthinking, so I stopped texting. And this translated to us not talking. So we didn’t talk, or hang out, which were things I really wanted to do, until we went out to sushi the other night. I felt that we had reconnected, that maybe the horrible month of not talking was over. But apparently SHE felt awkward the whole time. I was so sad.

And now she’s continuously insulting me. I was talking to her about how I was ready to move on from the argument we had yesterday and she said I was “worse than a gay guy.” So much for being diplomatic. Well at least I tried. Our Pittsburgh trip, which I have been looking forward to for MONTHS, has been canceled. Six days before we were going to go. I even adopted a penguin for her at the Pittsburgh Zoo. I can’t believe someone I like so much could hate me so much… and there’s no apparent reason. Like I said, sure I was inflexible today. But she didn’t seem to realize that I don’t want to be just another one of her friends, third wheel to Kim. She said, “It’s not like today was going to be special or anything.” Wasn’t it now. Today WAS going to be special… that’s why I couldn’t have Kim along!

Well you can’t force friendship on someone who doesn’t want it. And NO WAY do I want to be friends with someone who just sits around and insults me. I have feelings, ya know. She says she doesn’t understand me… I’m not that hard to understand. Just because I don’t do things the way YOU do them doesn’t mean I’m totally irrational. Lately, Stephanie seems to have been getting very stuck up on herself. She seems to be the center of her own world, and anything that goes against her is just plain wrong. I was there for her when Kate was mad at her. I remember multiple occasions when I put aside the problems between us that I wanted to discuss, because she was having problems with someone else and I wanted to help. Because I CARED about her. Who was there for her when Brittany, her “dream girl” from Ohio, left? I was. She called me and I talked to her for hours. We had a good friendship… was it wrong for me to try to get that back? But NOO, on our last chance to hang out before Pittsburgh, she has this set idea that Kim has to come. For no other reason, apparently, than the fact that Kim had never been to Towson (which was where we were going to go). Yeah, it’s not like Kim’s never going to visit in the next 2-4 years you’re going to be goint to college there! Whatever. I went against HER set picture (which went against OUR earlier plans!) and she couldn’t handle it.

Like I said, it wasn’t so much that which pissed me off as much as the insults. She seems to think she can just shove me around and I’m just going to take it. She takes our friendship for granted… which means one of two things. Either she’s too comfortable in thinking I’m going to keep bouncing back, or she just straight up doesn’t want to be friends at all and wants to chase me off by being a bitch.

I’m here to say that there’s no more bouncing back this time. I’ve already tried being nice to her, trying to forgive and all that… but her response is to basically fuck off. I’ve had it. I’m done.

Lots of stuff has been going on. Firstly I realize that I shouldn’t take any more days off from Chick-fil-A. I need all the days I can get. I still don’t know where I’m going to get spending money throughout the year. That is bad.

More bad news? I no longer have a best friend. That’s really depressing to me. So much crap reminds me of her…it’s not like I can just ignore it all the time. I try to stay happy though…

One thing making me happy is this:

I totally FAIL at Photoshop. But give me Microsoft Paint and I make pictures that aren’t too shabby at all. And the one that I made is better than “not too shabby.” It actually looks pretty good! I’m using it as my signature image on our forum.

So, it’s Schweff, and i’m back…i’m not going to make any “i’m back for the long run” promises, but maybe i’ll stick around if i think of things to blog about…

let me think of things that have been happening in my life [in list and categorical formation] this summer:

Love Life
- My girlfriend Nikki, and I broke up while i was at beach week [her idea, not mine]…funny story, it was via text messaging the day before i was supposed to come home
-i met the “girl of my dreams”…this girl who i’ve been talking to on the internet for over a year. it was disastrous [she even left a day earlier than expected, after driving 8 hours out of her way], and we’ve talked once since this incident that happened over a month ago.
- I started talking to this girl, Anna, who lives 5 hours away and i can hardly see…she’s a cute, fun fish enthusiast that i originally met from a mutual ex back in late 2006 [not in person until summer of '07]…we’ve been talking for about 2 months or so, and have been back and forth on the “friends or more” threshold quite a few times. we’ve visited each other a few times, but overall it’s pretty much a summer fling that’s sizzling out. i like her a lot, and i think it’s unfortunate that it’s entirely unrealistic to have any relationship more than friendship at this point in time

Worklife
- i finally got a job! for the longest time, my dad has told me that he didn’t want me to get a job, because he wanted me to “relish my childhood”…then he got on me for not even having a job lol. So i work at Safeway now. it’s a pretty legit job, starting at $7.60 an hour
- i’ve already got a raise [well, not reall **me** getting a raise...it was a union thing] and now make $7.75
- i’ve already been cut significantly of my hours…apparently the company isn’t making as much money, so instead of giving the store 700 hours for employees, they were cut to a mere 400…which means this week i’m only scheduled for 15 hours [lame]

New Things
- i’ve learned how to blow smoke rings and french inhale
- my first solo, long car ride [doesn't sound that legit, but i dont drive long that much] [2 and a half hour drive]
- I have acquired a newfound respect for fish, blondes, and tattoos [probably with the help of the lady friend], and a newfound obsession with online, discount t-shirt buying

The ~*Future*~
- it’s hard to believe that i’m leaving in less than 5 weeks [4 weeks and 6 days to be exact [34 days] ] for college. i’m not a fan of change, but i think change will be good for me at this point in my life. i’m ready to start fresh [and get away from my homophobic father]
- i’ve been thinking more about marketing…and maybe having a dream of working for the pittsburgh pens in the marketing department…who knows.

okay, i’ve written enough [and buggered you guys enough lol]

So today I worked from 7:30 until 11. In the morning. This is a NONSENSE shift. Three and a half hours. I probably could’ve stolen the amount of money I made today from a small child without quite as much effort.

But during the course of this shift I heard our manager, Tina, talking about how her husband had to go to the hospital last night because of a crash he had been in on Tuesday night. I thought to myself, what a coincidence. My friend Josh was in a crash Tuesday night. Someone asked her what happened. And she told a story about a crash on Piney Orchard Parkway, the same street Josh crashed on! So I asked her if her husband was driving around 2 kids (something i picked up from when Josh told me the story; he was) and if it was a beige SUV they hit (Josh’s car, it was). So apparently they’re theevil ones who totaled Josh’s car. What an intensely small world this is!

Oh by the by, we conducted a poll here at penguinpride about which song is better: Superfreak (Rick James) or U Can’t Touch This (MC Hammer). Well the results are in! Click here to see the obvious winner.

So I’ve been having some relationship issues….I won’t bore you with details. Actually, it might be anything but boring, but anyways maybe another time. But I recently wrote a poem about my feelings, and Aaron suggested I post it…so here it is:

Thinking of You

I can’t stop thinking of you.

I wish you could end my pain.

With each time I see you,

A knife in my back digs deeper.

But not seeing you hurts even worse.

You say the distance is far too great

For a relationship to be considered.

It doesn’t matter that we connect

Better than anybody I’ve ever met.

Isn’t it worth just a try?

Do I keep the hope in my soul alive?

Or let these thoughts die?

Who would I be if I didn’t care for you?

I’ve felt this way so long,

Could I bear the pain it would cause?

You look into my eyes and smile.

It’s as if I can see and feel your care.

I wish I could end this feeling.

I can’t stop thinking of you.

I wish you could end my pain.

So just a little messing around. Maybe someday everything will all work out.

Schweffy and I are going to Pittsburgh and I’m so excited… she asked today if I wanted to go this weekend. I would have LOVED to… sadly I have to work this weekend and Schweffy has an appointment on Monday. So we can’t go :( yet! Don’t worry we’ll go soon!

If you haven’t already, check out our new forum!

Due to my lack of a car, my braces, which were supposed to come off July 16, will now stay on until September 9. This sucks due to the fact that I have to miss class to somehow get from Towson to Annapolis to get my braces off. Whatever I’ll do it. It’s worth it.

Finally I worked another 11.5 hour shift today. I am a true man at this point.

If you’ll notice, we now have music background here.

It’ll only last a little while though…unless “popular demand” forces it back.

Oh another notice…ideas for a sort of “variety show” for YouTube have finally culminated into a project… known as Lollercast. Check out the Beck Holt page for updates.

Well my dad finally got the check in his hand for my car…unfortunately the stupid bank won’t give him the money orders until NEXT Friday! So it looks like it’s going to be another week without a car for me. I guess I’ll make up for it by doing what I do best…overworking myself at Chick-fil-A. lol

I got my check today, speaking of which…saw the line with my overtime pay. Let’s just say it makes it very tempting to work more than 40 hours a week. ;)

I’m going to try to work 10-10:30 tomorrow. Sadly that won’t add up to 40 hours…I don’t think. I don’t really feel like doing the math either. But next week…I’ll make SURE to get 40++ hours.

This past weekend, Schweffy and I talked on the phone. I felt like I was there for her. I felt like we were getting closer again. But the very next day she tells me not to talk about serious things with her. Because I’ve noticed lately she’s been ignoring a lot of my texts. And it’s not because she’s sleeping or something, it’s because she doesn’t feel like answering me.

We’ve been doing pretty bad lately. Here’s a chart (I’m bored) of how our relationship has gone (dark red=friends, red=best friends, green=relationship)

We’re basically at our worst point since early December, and sadly we’re still going down. But if my suspicions are correct, and she is losing interest in me, well then I don’t want to be best friends at all. She’s going to have to decide if I’m worth going out of my way for. Am I going to need some reassurance sometimes? Yes. I wish she didn’t hate giving it to me so much.

We’ve had the best of times, we’ve had the worst of times.

No seriously, my happiest moments were spent with her (Dec-Jan 2007-08), as were my least (assorted occasions since April 2008). She makes me so happy, yet so upset too.

She’s my best friend. And I love her. There’s no question as to whether it’s worth us being friends; whether it’s worth the bad times. It certainly is. Because when the good times do roll, they are SO good.

My best friend is Schweffy! Haha!

Bryan came back at like 3am from his party. He’d gotten high but he seemed to be fine by then. None of us could really sleep, so we busted out Super Smash Brothers Melee and played it. I sucked; I’ve never played that game before in my life.

So basically none of us were ready to get up, even though we did of course. We went down to the beach and met Alana, Lilia, Mary, and Becca down there. I got into the water, realized it was about 5 degrees, and ran out. The good news is that while I had my feet in it, they were so numb I couldn’t feel my mangled toes.

Then we took another walk down the boardwalk. That hurt. Also I had forgotten my money (again) so I couldn’t buy anything. Everyone else had eaten earlier, but not me, so I was hungry too. Then we ended up on fucking Somerset Street again and it was time to take the bus back up to 137^th. I started bitching again to Andrew and Bryan and Rob, who I was with, but to no avail. Their logic was that if there’s no bus at a bus stop, we should walk to the next one. I was all for stopping at a popular one and waiting for someone to pull the cord on the bus to stop it there. But noo, we walked to 42^nd Street before we finally got on a bus. When we got off at 137^th, Andrew and Bryan went up to our condo while Rob, who I haven’t really talked to that much since freshman year and I actually thought he didn’t like me anymore, offered to take me out to lunch. His treat. So we went up to a subs place and I got wings. Then he actually wanted to talk about what was up with me. So I told him all about Griggs, and about Schweffy. It was really the first time I’ve unloaded my feelings on a guy. It was certainly a good feeling. He said it sounded like I cared too much about Schweffy despite all the crap she puts me through (Andrew said I was obsessed with her today and yesterday because I was texting her a lot). Schweffy’s been trying to tell me what I can and can’t do on beach week. Or as Rob put it, she’s been yelling at me for neglecting my duties to her…as a single guy. I guess I have feelings for Schweffy…although they’re not sexual, and I definitely don’t want to get back in a relationship with her. But this was the first time where I questioned my friendship with her. Rob’s a great friend.

Following this deliciousness we went back to the condo where I promptly took a nap. Rob and Andrew were going bowling with Ashley, and I told them I didn’t want to go. Firstly, I’m not too fond of bowling. But I also knew that both were trying to get with her. I was not about to be there with two guys fighting over a girl. So I went to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was Brian Baudoin. He was on 136^th Street and was wondering where I was. Well I’m on 137^th Brian, come on up. So him and Scott came up and we chilled for a couple hours (we were alone in the condo). It’s probably the last time I’m going to see either of them. We reminisced about school and mock trial. It was pretty much a good time. Presently they left and I went back to bed.

Sometime after midnight, Andrew and Rob came back pissed. Apparently they had made plans to go bowling with Ashley, then left on a bus. Which they left because it was full of drunks. So they walked to the bowling alley, which was packed, so they left and called Ashley to find out where she was.